Murphy's Laws of Speedskating

All of them true, all proven. It's a fact!
Before a race you know that if something can go wrong, most certanly it will. And if you think that everything will be allright, there's a good chance you've been missing the big picture...

Coaches and Parents

• Parents’ 3 Fundamental Laws
1- Ir’s ALWAYS the coach’s fault
2- No skater is better than their own son/daughter
3- All other parents are fools

• Morales’ observation
If a coach is responsible of a skaters’ formation from their first steps until athletic maturity, another coach will take the credit for that.

• Martignon’s Negation
The quantity and quality of knowledge a coach possess is inversely proportional to his chances of being in charge of his National Team

• Lugea’s Axiom
When everything you tried did not work, do as your coach says

• Perrone’s Laws
- Every skater believes he knows better than his parents
- Every parent is confident he knows better than the coach
- Every coach is absolutely certain to know better than his colleagues

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Referees

• Parras’s Biblical Notation
Man was God’s 1º error. Woman was his attempt to fix it. Then He ruined everything and invented Referees.

• Dobbin’s Theorem
If you were beaten during your entire career and never a referee took notice, you can rest assured you’ll be disqualified just the first time you show even a slight intention to punch some bastard back.
Corolaries:
- If you kick a judge’s arse on a local tournament, you’ll be disqualified for life
- If you commit a mass murder crime during Worlds, no consequences will arise

• Laraspata’s Ocular Notion
A referee will suffer immediate and temporary blindness if the skater responsible for the foul is:
a) A relative - b) From a “friendly” Federation - c) Colombian

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Equipment

• Bont’s Law
If you mounted hard wheels, odds are it will rain. If you mounted soft wheels, ditto.

• Boiani’s Law
Significant mechanical problems occur exclusively during a race, never while training.

• Bellotti’s Notation
Ignorants know a lot, clever guys know little, wise men know nothing…
a$$****s know EVERYTHING.

• The law of wheel rotation
It is guaranteed that you will be called to your next race precisely when you are half way through making time-consuming adjustments to your equipment.
Sent by Andrew (Australia)

• Cox's Negative Lacing Law
If you have to retie you boot near the start, odds are that the laces will break. If not, you will have tied them too tight, and your foot will fall asleep half-way through the race.
Sent by J. Cox (USA)
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Road-rash

• Triberio’s Principle
The chances of falling down and peeling one’s skin away the day before an important meeting or romantic date are directly proportionate to the importance of the meeting or the sex-appeal of the planned date.

• Saggiorato’s Constant
If you fall down twice during the same race, you will land exactly on the recently produced injuries.

• Zangarini’s Laws
- The longer from the last shave, the greater the odds to fall
- The higher the number of siblings that came to see your race, the greater the odds to fall
- If not wearing undergarments, the greater the odds to fall… or at least to have the skinsuit torn apart right in the arse
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Races

• Publow’s Postulates
1- No matter the race direction, it will never be tailwind
1º Corollary: Add a 92% likelihood of rain
2º Corollary: And the asphalt will be more rippled than a Shar-Pei’s face.
2– On a course, every hill with an upwards 5% angle will increment exponentially that gradient during a race, by effects of the 1º Postulate

• Cruciani’s Principle
The integral of the gravitational potential in any surface will always be positive.
Reduction: on a race, every course is uphill

• Doucet’s Observation
If you forget to bring water, you’ll need it. If you don’t, it will rain.

• Sintes' Painful Number
The nº of miles to the finish line is directly proportional to the total of blisters in every foot

• First Morales’ Law
You lead, or you place yourself among the first three places of the bunch. Otherwise you’ll be breathing farts

• Second Morales’ Law
Losers race to win. Winners race with their heads

• Cantarella’s Laws for time trials
- If you perfectioned your start, the fotofinish cell won’t work
- If you perfectioned your hawk’s jump, the fotofinish cell won’t work
- If you did the perfect time trial and there is no fotofinish cell, referees will certainly favour somebody else
- If you did the perfect time trial and fotofinish cell works fine, somebody else’s time will be better than yours

• Bill Begg’s Stoical Principle
If skaters were not human, they wouldn’t ever be beaten in a race. So go to train some more. Now!

• Galliazzo’s Hypothesis
Speed skating is the only team sport where there’s only one winner

• The French Syllogism
Those who train a lot, win
Those who win, have the will to do it
Ergo, you lose

• The Spanish Paradox
If I race as a visitor, I lose. If I race as a local, I lose too but less honourably

• Favot’s Hieratical Axiom
The loser that was lucky enough to qualify trough the series, will turn into a Duggento when it’s time to race the final

• Gicquel’s Chronometrical Law
Record times are never set during real races

• Ravasi’s Notations for junior skaters
- Whenever you start winning, it’s time to get to the next category
- Whenever you think you've made it in the elite, you'll eat your own nappies

• Baena’s Law
After 6 months of hard training and right on top-peak, probabilities of a stupid injury or a shameful disease tend to infinitum as the big race approaches

• Cruciani’s Law
The best victories are my own

• Botero’s Definition
To learn how to lose, it is essential to know how to win beforehand. The inverse proposition is false.

• Haritchelar’s Constant
If you perceive N ways a race can go wrong, as a minimum it will go wrong in N+1 ways

• Riera’s Laws about Victories
- If you’re winning a sprint, a front wheel will drop off your skates
- If you’re winning a long race, your frames will broke up
- If you’re winning a marathon, you’ll miss the right turn
- If your non-french team is winning an endurance race in France, in one way or another your team will be crooked, then disqualified accordingly
- If you have 100% chances of winning in Italy and you’re not Italian, there are 110% chances that you'll lose
- If you have 100% chances of winning a time trial in Argentina, by the same percentage of likelihood you won’t place better than 4º (first 3 places are always reserved for locals)
Reduction: If you could win, you’ll lose.

• SkateBoy's Shameful Notation
If there is a break in the pack, you will be exactly behind the guy who let the break happen.
Sent by SkateBoy (USA)
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Assorted topics

• Vega’s Proportional Laws
1º - Every region has the officials it deserves
2º - Every country has the Federation it deserves
3º - Every Federation has the president it deserves

• Puzzela’s Comparative Observation
- Adversaries have better skates, wheels, skinsuits and helmets than me
- Adversaries have generally on the groin area a bigger “pack” than mine
- Adversaries have the nasty habit of beating me, with or without cheating
- Adversaries are so busy polishing their egos that fail to realize I stole their girlfriends

• Eggbox Law
One will adjust the genital area of their skinsuit exactly the moment somebody from the opposite sex is looking
EXTENSION: Embarrassing erections will take place if and only if there is at least one female witness around

• Periodic Law of The Period
If it comes, it does just before that big race. If it does not come, somebody will be racing a big race soon enough

• Aracu’s Universal Law
Behold, for he who make the rules, is in command. And vice versa.

• Bresin’s Obsessive Axioms
1- The only sport where doping is legitimate is sex
2- Better a shag on the rink than a thousand medals won on the road
3- If we trained with equal persistence as we look for sex, we’d all be world champions
4- Speedskating is like sex: experience improves your technique and training build your endurance…whereas the frame length or wheels diameter do not count, but the engine's power
5- Sex is like time trials: the first one is quick and wrong, the second will set the best time, the third will be technically correct but somehow tiresome. Fourth and up are only for beginners... or training

I could come out with more of these, but the missus smashed my creative trance, calling me for supper. Should you have your own laws, please send them to us for publication using the form below.

M. Bresin

send your own Laws!