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The Sk8ologist
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Issue 2

Issue 2

Doping, dope, dopers -
I cannot believe the sheer amount of bullshit I’m hearing and reading ‘bout the subject in the last decade. Most punters rave on dope fixing their pivot on an ignorance lever, while the rest simply express frustration born from envy, or just have a gossipy nature.

Let me put this straight: I suffered doping and dopers on my own skin, back in the quad days when this sport was anything but clean and the anti-doping measures where a joke. I consider myself lucky because I was infinitely more interested in scoring than racing (still am), and in all honesty I never give a toss about winning (perhaps because I got tired of victories while still a junior). But deep down it also pissed me off being defeated by a 250 pound hairy juggernaut that needed the juice (sometimes adding a certain degree of tactical cheating and/or judges’ help).

I’ve seen with my own eyes guys who would gladly inject themselves hormones, recurring to body builders’ or cyclists’ methods in order to gain muscular strength and endurance. When anabolic steroids where economically out of reach, the bastards would use bovine insulin with growth hormone: as a result they looked as if they were drawn by Stan Lee/Jack Kirby. You should see them now! Their fleeting glory brought travels, free equipment and momentary recognition. Even world championship gold medals and rainbow jerseys, to a few. But are they rich today? Are they happy now with their flabby physique, wasted liver and shrinking balls? Maybe nurturing a nice little cancer, after all that homemade chemical frenzy? I guess nowadays they enjoy living in the times of yore, relishing on their great past achievements, refusing to admit it was all crooked business instead of pure and simple sport. But that’s only because they are highly trained in lying to themselves, the poor fools.
Yeah, you know who you are. Shove those medals up your arse, because while you can’t see your dick anymore, I’m still able to do sub-30” in the 300 (with no specific training nor good equipment), able to happily shag around as if I still was 20. Of course, quality over quantity, ladies! But I’m seriously thinking about resorting to performance enhancing drugs there, because as I always said, sex should be the only sport in which doping must be allowed.
I should copyright that phrase. Or sell it as a slogan.

These days
OK, things have improved in the last decade or so. First of all, inlines brought a different approach to racing and training, so humongous localized muscle mass was no longer a requirement to win. Many national Olympic committees took our sport seriously as of late, starting to perform unexpected year round tests on elite level athletes. Moreover, I truly think the actual racing format chosen by WIC and FIRS allows for no need of any potion since the metabolic processes implied are not excessively taxing for the skater. Unless it’s a lazy donkey of a skater, that is.

True, the increased monetary prizes and chances to obtain pro-team contracts, as well as government grants or sponsors, are surely tempting. But did any of the finger-pointers ask themselves if the game is worth the bet? I mean: how many WIC races do you need to win to pay for a lousy first generation EPO treatment, for fuck’s sake? What’s the point in using testosterone to win a time trial if they will catch you by only looking at your stupid face?

In comparison to other disciplines, the proved doping cases are so few and rare in our sport that nobody can say it’s dirty… But neither is absolutely clean, unfortunately. All these much talked about cases in the last 2 or 3 years are mainly hoaxes that only provide evidence of political intervention. In particular, I’m referring to the Spanish case arisen a while ago and the Colombian crazy hematocrit orgy of late. The more I stick my nose into those grubby affairs, the more I believe in the skaters’ innocence and politicians’ evilness. But it must be said that I reach a certain point in which I can go no further with my investigation, when questions would get no answer at all. So there must be something else going on under the carpet, granted.

In fact, despite political messing up, there’s still much to do to improve our situation. FIRS normative is risible and still not fully WADA compliant, tests during Worlds are incomplete in the best case scenario (or just plain pointless, as in Gijón), not all WIC stages have compulsory checking post race.
However, I defy anybody to argue with me that today only the best, the truly talented skaters are winning the big, relevant races. Nobody in his right mind would affirm something like that in the quad days… right, old timers?

So what I’m implying is that our sport is definitely clean, because the real elite is clean. I’m not so sure about the middle ranks, tough. There could be a few talentless losers out there realizing that training and equipment are not enough to cross the finish line at least not far from the superstars, so they spend daddy’s allowance on intravenous stuff in order to emulate somehow the skaters they so much admire and hate simultaneously.

Or, most probably, the young, eager to shine athlete could be persuaded by his parents or coaches to resort to illegal methods in order to satisfy their own frustration as adults: we’ve seen a few paradigms during the years, didn’t we? I’m going to mention one: Gahan. Remember that name. He got only 0.001% of what he really deserved; alas it seems it wasn’t a good enough lesson for some, i.e. a certain Dutch retard with a striking resemblance to an arsehole called Lamer or something similar. Our sport remains unstained because this idiot’s son raced only a few times on inlines in pre-junior: note the misfit was caught by the national ice skating authorities. First doped skater ever in Dutch history, surely firm grounds to opt for shameful and permanent exile. It’s as scandalous as if a Vatican bishop was found by paparazzi in one of my roman parties! Anyway, this case can be studied as the typical “fanatic/frustrated/psycho parent or coach” that lurks often around our tracks. If you detect one of those, please exterminate them at once. If euthanasia would not be practical, try sterilization (through a hard kick in the nuts, if possible). Or at least kick them out of your club ASAP.

The REAL athletes right now are training hard with unflagging conscience and general wellness. So go get your dose, cheaters: sooner or later, one way or another, you will lose.

Marcello Bresin


Note from the editor: this article was NOT sponsored by Pfizer.

Issue 3
The Sk8ologist