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The Sk8ologist
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New revolutionary training method

Would you like to easily improve your personal record?
Gain speed effortlessly, without compromising your aerobic capacity?
Well, we too. Don’t read further if you’re after some magical or miraculous system that does not involve banned chemicals.
Perhaps you are acquainted with the motto “Train until it hurts, and then some”: this radical technique can help you with that objective. Following some scientifically researched schemes where the Galilean approach was employed, and after much statistical data was processed, we found an excellent way to avoid that uncomfortable mid-session soreness, that mind-numbing hurting feeling which usually leads to an early abandonment of the skating rink during training.
We are pretty sure that quite a few british, german and kiwi skaters experimented plenty with this idea, but until today most certainly none of them used a skeptical, methodical way to apply it with noticeably results.
So this is the thesis: a skater has to be mildly drunk at the beginning of the session, with a percentage of alcohol in the bloodstream as showed in tables below:

MALE BLOOD ALCOHOL CONCENTRATION GUIDE
Number of
Drinks Per Hour
PERCENT OF ALCOHOL IN BLOODSTREAM
 
BODYWEIGHT IN POUNDS
110
120
140
160
180
200
220
240
0
ONLY SAFE SKATE LIMIT
1
.04
.03
.02
.02
.02
.02
.02
.02
Skating
Skills
IMPARED
2
.08
.06
.05
.05
.04
.04
.03
.03
3
.11
.09
.08
.07
.06
.06
.05
.05
4
.15
.12
.11
.09
.08
.08
.07
.06
5
.19
.16
.13
.12
.11
.09
.09
.08
LEGALLY DRUNK IN IOWA and most COUNTRIES
6
.23
.19
.16
.14
.13
.11
.10
.09
7
.26
.22
.19
.16
.15
.13
.12
.11
8
.30
.25
.21
.19
.17
.15
.14
.13
9
.34
.28
.24
.21
.19
.17
.15
.14

Source: The Iowa State Alcoholic Beverages Division - The Foster's University, Beer Department, New South Wales

Note: for female skaters, add a beer to the above table.

In case a blood analysis is not readily available, an observational measurement system can be implemented: the skater has to be drunk enough to fail an alcoholemic driver test on the road, but not as much as to believe the coach is Master Yoda in disguise. Or Darth Vader himself.

There are 2 variants: the solitary skater that trains alone, or the coached group of drunken skaters.
In the first case, our forlorn athlete might go for instance to a wedding reception. After consuming the required amount of whichever spirit he chooses, he might start unruly handling the bride meaty backside, or propose sexual intercourse to the groom’s mother. That’s exactly the moment when he’s supposed to rush to the skating rink. Sprint training will be noticeably biased, with overall improvements from 10% to 13% on typical personal times. But bear in mind that some marginal error might happen on laps counting, as well as slightly inaccurate chronometric readings. Of course, technique cannot be properly attained on beer fuelled exercise, but so much so. Corners will be taken with an aggressive attitude never before attained, and lascivious subjects of the preferred sex will be eagerly waiting in the nude at the finish line of whatever distance is being negotiated by the intoxicated skater, whose optical perception would be somehow distorted by now.

A similar result can be accomplished by a group of inebriated sportsmen. They might have been, say, at the same wedding party. In such a case, it’s almost certain the groom is a skater himself, and the coach was attending the party too. (Note: it is advisable that, at least in one session during the week, the coach shall remain sober for clerical reasons).
Before things get too harsh with the bride’s family, the roller warriors should depart in the general direction of their skating premises, preferably with their tuxedos undone... Unless it was a fanatic urethaneholic couple getting nuptial time-trials and everyone was wearing lycra there, but that’s not a common venue.
The best possible training at this stage is team relays: it will be demanding to select which one of the 2 identical guys that are furiously requesting a big push ahead should be given the change to, and the other 20 or so twins that are madly chasing will entail further effort from any given skater. A 10 k points/elimination certainly would be extremely challenging, and something to be witnessed. An adventurous alternative could be the plain old 500 mt pursue by couples, but with both skaters speeding in opposite directions. In this specific instance, it may be prudent to wear helmets.

In any case, a pissed skater will not undergo that characteristic leg pain and/or heart soreness that accompanies customary hard training. They’ll feel like flying, or at least like taking off, while their equipment will seem to have zero weight. Not to mention their most cheerful attitude towards the rough asphalt, the typically sadistic coach and the unforgiving climate conditions. As an interesting side effect, the subsequent hangover will be of minimal consequences, or absent altogether, thanks to the lactic acid actively counteracting and metabolizing the surplus methanol and ethanol molecules in the bloodstream.

Of course, there are some precautions to consider:

• Alcohol is a dehydrating agent. A hefty intake of water is in order, but if H2O is not available, don’t mix drinks.
• If the skater is not able to stand up straight without skates, better refrain from training
• Vomiting on the skating surface is to be avoided, particularly on bends.
• A drunken road session could be viable only in Siberia, Kalahari Desert, The Outback or Patagonia, during night time on week-ends
• Use of helmets at all times is higly advisable, even after & before training.
• If the training group is multi-gendered, contraceptive measures should be taken prior to session, unless the weekly objectives include increasing the global skating population

Next: Benefits of sex before, after and during training sessions.
M. Bresin

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